Thursday, August 18, 2005

An Open Letter To M


Since one of my posts deepened our drama, I'm putting this one out there as well.

I can totally understand why you feel I was being cruel/unnecessary. But please know, it was not with intent or to make you feel that way.

I'm sure that doesn't lessen your feelings of betrayal any, but I promise you, I would NEVER purposely hurt you. Even if we were not friends anymore. Doesn't mean you wont still get hurt, but I did/do/will always hold you in a very odd place in my heart.

Theres a lot of stuff that came up before leaving that would make me say and still think what I did, but I'm not trying to do the "I'm right and you're wrong" or "you're right and I'm wrong" thing either. You ARE under a huge amount of stress and having lifestyle changes. That affects ANYONE'S coping skills and behaviors. Same for me.

I know you said you were fine after our phone convo, but obviously, I wasn't, and to an extent still am not. It's a matter of different perceptions to words/actions/situations and to the intent of them, or lack thereof ( I am so confusing myself now). Point is, friends or not, in any relationship both people can start taking others for granted. I'd hope we've gone through enough that we're more like family ( but possibly without the hairpulling or wedgies, and PLEASE don't pin me in a corner and try and smooch on me like my drunk brother did) .

So maybe we'll get over this. Maybe not. Either way, please know you are very much loved by me, even if you hurt me/piss me off, and even if you hurt me/piss me off and don't think you have or should have.

To anyone reading this for pug/ghetto/medical dramas, well, this post may not be interesting to you. But as I told M, it's still a personal diary/writing exercise that happens to be very public. And it's still written because it's for me.