Sunday, September 24, 2006


I have a headache thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

It's name starts with C

Whomever first said love hurts may have actually had a migraine

Blind Boy Pug is administering his best nursing skills, which mostly consist of attempting deep nasal swabs with his tounge.

Girl Pug is trying out her Rolfing technique by repeatedly using my body as a launching pad during her mad dashes around the living room

And I am going to eat a giant cookie

Requiem Courtesy of Johnny, Trent, and Paul

Or maybe I'll just shut myself down completely again

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
but because of you, I walk the line

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focused on the pain
the only thing that's real

What have I become
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you are someone else
I am still right here

If I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

When you're weary
feeling small
when tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side
oh when times get rough
and friends just can't be found
like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down

when you're down and out
when evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

your time has come to shine
all your dreams are on their way
see how they shine if you need a friend
and sailing right behind

I will ease your mind

A Messed Up Romance, In 3 Acts

Act 1
The Letter he will never get

Funny how sometimes I feel I know you so well, but am unsure how to spell your name. Or Where you live. Or your email address.

There's a lot I want to say to you, a lot of the time. But I don't. This isn't normal for me, as I have a tendency to state my mind. Usually not an opinion I'm holding, but what I see as the truth. But some thinngs...with you..I haven't. I think I was in the process of figuring that out, and if I don't have conviction in what I say, I shut up ( and you may ask, so why isn't she shutting up now?)

Translating a gut feeling and a true yearning or need into words isn't the easiset, even when one has a background in self indulgent self expression, whether they be written or performed of channeled into flour and sugar. But I'm trying.

There's part of me that has never been quiet. It's conradictory and questioning and genrally quite the brat. But when I'm around you, talking to you, it's quiet. It whispers. It's calm. I feel this contentness and...recognition. I don't know if you've ever had something, done something, known someone where you have that clarity, that " I Know You"

I have that with you. The edges stop blurring.

You are something unexpected for me

Act 2
The Phone Call
This is the point in the story where I call C and tell him that I need something from him so I know I can trust him. I need to know it's ok for me to feel this way. I need him to tell me it's ok or to let me go. Because none of this was planned, none of this was easy, and I don't want to keep caring so much. I never expected to meet him. I ever expected I'd want to let him in.
He talks about consistency, about how he's glad I fell this way, about how it's important for me. He says he doesnt want to hurt me.

I tell him I've lost the rulebook and don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

He tells me nothing.

Act 3
What I need. What I do. What will I do.

I do not need a ring. I do not need a boyfriend. I need my hand touched sometimes.
I'll stop letting him talk to me for hours on the phone. I think he needs this. I need to talk to him and put my hand on his neck, just sometimes.

I've cried for hours today.He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't hurt me. I hurt me.
Kidney stones hurt me. Crazy mothers hurt me. Loving someone when I've never loved before does't hurt me. Someone thinking they're protectig me...hurts me.

I'll give him his chocolate and a smile. Maybe sometimes I'll answer the phone. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll tell him if he wats to talk to me he has to be able to look at me. Maybe I'll move away from this city I hate that has the person I want, to a city that I don't hate that has people I don't want.